PRAYER & PRAYING: Being Intimate with God

I have read the book of Keith Clark, a Franciscan-Capuchin entitled, “Being Sexual and Celibate.” One of his contentions in the book about sexuality is that, it is about intimacy. By nature a person hungers for intimacy because God has created man and woman to be intimate with Him. I am my sexuality. Hence, the person in me is both spiritual and physical-sexual as I have a body and spirit. And I, a person, have the need of intimacy with other people which is expressed through relationships. However, there’s more on this and that is the need and hunger for intimacy with God. But how am I going to satisfy this hunger? The initiative comes solely from God not from me because God calls and I respond to His calling. It is through personal relationship with Him that intimacy starts to spring. And my relationship with God is nurtured through prayer and praying. Now, regarding with prayer and praying; prayer is for me a way or means of being intimate with God who created me and chose me. On the other hand, praying is the act of being intimate with my God. St. Alphonsus and St. Teresa of Avila would emphasize; prayer is a familiar conversation with God. Basically, in prayer and while praying I am connecting with my God in an atmosphere of some intimacy. Thus, for me it is all about intimacy, being intimate with God.

However, before I would proceed I would like to reminisce the kind of relationship I had with God when I was still a child. Before, I had the attitude in praying that it is a Giver-receiver thing. God gives and I receive. And I had the concept of God as a punisher God. He punishes a child who does not pray and obey Him. But later on, though slowly, there was a twist from this kind of attitude into a much deeper kind of relationship. My attitude of relationship with this God becomes between a parent-son, or between brothers and even between friends. I began to approach God gradually not as a punisher but a kind and loving friend.

        Consequently, in prayer, I brought with me ideally myself, my mind, heart and soul. I say ideally because through submission to God I can have a true and sincere prayer where intimacy happens. However, human as I am not all of my prayer moments reached the ideal attitude of prayer. There were times that I was not sincere because I was not able to focus or I have let myself drowned into a pre-occupied mind. Nevertheless, the beauty here is I have always the opportunity to amend and realize the things that I have done irresponsibly. It is only in the grace of God that I could come into this realization. God is, indeed, so generous to allow me to realize and grow in His grace. That’s why I have also the time to go back again and start again of what I have started in prayer. God, as what I have felt and experienced during prayer, is the one who always takes the first initiative. It is very beautiful to reflect what the book of Wisdom says about this loving God, “You are there, sitting by your gate, waiting and calling (Wis. 6:14).” I firmly believe that when I am lost He finds me and when I am in danger He saves me.

            Moreover, prayer creates a mood where I could have the privilege to meet and be with my God. During prayers I dispose myself before God recognizing and adoring His presence and at the same time aware of my own sinfulness and dependence to the God of grace and mercy. And prayer would let my heart, my mind and my soul set into the direction towards God. It is a way of being one with Him because I believe that my faith lifts my spirit towards God.

     And praying as the act itself brings me into an intimate relationship with God as my Father, Jesus as my big brother and the Spirit as my friend and also Mary as my Nanay, my mother. When I’m praying, there is the disclosure of myself. It is a voluntary and graceful confession of who I am in relation to God. I have able to recognize my weaknesses and frailties and so I am dependent to God. But I have come to realize also the strengths that I have that God has given to me. I come to Him because there is some confidence in me that I am God’s child and it is a pleasure to Him to meet Him in prayer. Actually, it is God Himself who makes me realize that I am His own through my experiences in life both the good and traumatic experiences. And also, even through the people I have met along the way, who in one way or another have helped me to see myself and to see God in my life.

            Nonetheless, my attitude towards my relationship with God is honestly not perfect. I cannot put into numbers on how many times I became unfaithful and negligent to God in my prayers. Many a time I have taken for granted the moments that I have spent in prayer. St. Ignatius de Loyola pointed out that one of the reasons of dryness in the spiritual life is negligence. I have experienced desolation because of my own negligence. I became unfaithful when I committed sins especially those deliberate ones. I became untrue to myself when I chose and refused to accept that I need the help of God. How unfaithful I am to a God whose faithfulness never fades. Sometimes I am confronted with my guilt that really paralyzes me. But God never surrenders with me. He is so persistent, St. Teresa of Avila said. God reaches to me through other people. My spiritual directors, formators and friends are His instruments to remind me that He is a God whose love never ceases.

        This is one of the reasons why I took the risk to continue my formation despite the fear I have felt. Because of the love that I have experienced with God, He gave me the confidence and the serenity to take the step. Now, God invites me to rest in Him so that I’ll find strength. It is in prayer and while praying that I become more confident and positive of this journey because of the intimate relationship I have with my God. Despite  my imperfections and unworthiness God sees the goodness in me because He believes in me. It is my vocation now to believe in His love for me.