(on the occasion of the World Day of Consecrated Life - 2 February 2013)
“The essence of the evangelical vows is not in the
result of the living but in the living of that love expressed in one’s
commitment.” It has been emphasized by Sis. Ella,
O.P. during our module on Vows in Context
(Novitiate Modular Class). It is very important for me to understand deeply
what these vows signify in my life as I aspire in the religious life, a
Redemptorist in particular. Indeed, what has moved me to continue to discern
and reflect and at the same time aspire with intent the religious life is my
deep longing for God. I have experienced God in my life both in sorrows and
joys and so I even long more for this God. I feel that this is a kind of hunger
for God. However, I didn't come into this point in an instant but in a process
also as I journey in formation. Through my experiences in the missions, with
the Redemptorist community and with myself I have able to discover and recover
bits and pieces of my person that simply long for this God. That is why I was
really moved knowing that “consecrating
one’s life is not self-denial but actually welcoming and reclaiming one’s self,
the whole-self.” And I yearn for consecrating my life to this God, who
longs to make my life complete and whole. Thus, I have taken the risk to
reclaim myself by seeking the help of my mentors and the guidance and wisdom of
my formators to lead me in reclaiming myself. Nevertheless, reclaiming one’s
self is not that easy anyway. It entails a lot of struggles on the way.
Moreover, reclaiming one’s self is a life-long process and the most important
thing here is the desire and the initiative to begin the reclaiming of the
self.
Besides, consecrating myself to
God necessitates the three fold evangelical vows which are very integral to
this life. And these vows of poverty, obedience and celibate chastity would
help me “to be formed, to conform and to
be transformed into the person God has designed it.” Certainly, if I would
put myself into the attitude of the post-modern world, it sounds crazy and
unrealistic. Embracing this radical choice of living in poverty, obedience and
celibate chastity is somewhat contradictory to what the world of pleasure
promotes. And I see a very big challenge in me as I belong into this
generation. However, according to the Father of Existentialism Soren Kierkegaard, “I don’t have to follow the crowd, to what the society tells
for it would only bring me into melancholy and untruthfulness.”
Furthermore, as I have
understood the vow of poverty, it is first integration.
It is a call to kenosis or self-emptying as God has emptied himself
by giving us his son, Jesus who emptied himself also by dying on the cross.
It is to make myself empty so that God could fill it with fullness. And
secondly, it is liberation from my
excessive preoccupation that tells detachment and availability. Definitely, it is not an easy life to
commit and it is a challenge for me to be liberated from my attitude of being
possessiveness. My possessiveness is not actually of material things but also
of other aspect in my life that includes my thoughts, desires and priorities
which are not easy to let go. But, this is the call and I have to commit to
detach myself from unnecessary things recognizing my poverty before God so that
I would be more available and freer.
Likewise, the vowed obedience
means a commitment to rest in God’s liberating love, a call to koinanoia. In this vow listening and
attentiveness to oneself are very much important and fundamental. It is through
self-knowledge that I will be able to know my needs and strengths that will
help me to respond the call. It is by listening and being attentive also that I
will be able to identify what holds me back and what motivates me to do a
particular thing. In other words, self-knowledge is a means to embrace God’s
liberating lobe by committing myself to Him, submitting my will as what Mary
did. This is how the vow of obedience demonstrates the most perfect freedom, a commitment to God. Personally, it is very
hard to understand this part for me. As I think of it given with the context of
this world, it is difficult to embark into the meaning of this vow as liberation.
Obeying someone in this world means being inferior and low, thus, not able to
assert yourself. However, the dynamic that is presented here is very
contradictory because this obedience brings not slavery but freedom, an
expression of the perfect freedom. And this is the challenge for me to be
prophetic who is to renounce God, denounce my selfish desires and announce
liberation as what Jesus did, obeying the Father. And I know that it is very
hard but I believe that it will bring me into that liberation. That’s why it is
very important to listen and to be attentive to myself to ask myself if what I
am doing leads me to God or to myself which is a selfish act.
And the third, the vow of
celibate chastity is an expression of God’s giving love, a call to metanoia (going beyond). It calls to total availability and itinerant mobility
or simply as inclusive self-giving. It is a manifestation of the dedication to
God with an UNDIVIDED LOVE. Here, it is so selfless yet the self is so full of
love. This vow recognizes how abundant the love of God to me is. And so it is
calling me to be inclusive in loving and in extending myself to others as a
gift. This is the beauty of this vow for it does not only tells about
abstaining from sexual or any intimate relation with a person but in fact
making the whole self, heart and soul available for the mission and for the
Kingdom of God. However, it is not an easy one for it beckons me to go beyond
from myself, from particular people I know, and from my comfort zones. It is to
consecrate my whole life into an inclusive love, a self-giving love as what
God’s Spirit works. Personally, it is a kind of a radical charity that by
nature gives, a love that is not possessive but very generous. And I see the
difficulty also here for I am a possessive and stingy person and I have the
tendency to be exclusive. Hence, it challenges me to be more charitable, to be
a generous and joyful giver not just with the familiar people but even to
strangers without any biases or prejudices, for the sake of the Kingdom of God.
In truth, these
vows bind not loose. They would lead me to fully be myself, to reclaim and
recover my very self so that I will have something to give. This is also a
reason why I desire to dedicate my life because I believe that I can give more.
Despite of the shadows I have in my life, underneath those shadows lays the
abundant love of God. There I would find true freedom as well as my true self
as what God has designed it to be. Undeniably, as I have promised to live these
evangelical counsels I have encountered problems and struggles on the way. In
one way or another, I have become selfish but to be true to my promise I
resolve myself to stand whenever I fall, to reconcile with myself and with God
by bring it to prayer. Amen.
- from my Novitiate Journal: 10 October 2011
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